...

Who would have known.. that when i woke up on Monday morning, things were going to get so blurred out come midnite...

.. nenek passed away, you see. 11pm on Monday.

I'm still in a daze and everything seems a bit surreal to me. Like im watching the turn of events frm the outside. I guess death, regardless as to whether u were close or not, always affects u in some way.

.. but maybe it's just a reflection of seeing mama grieving. I've rarely seen her grieve, but its understandable. Nenek was after all mama's mum, despite the many conflicts.

Anyway, where shall i start?

.. Mama told me on Monday afternoon that nenek's condition was turning for the worse. I didnt imagine it was *dat* bad. You see, for the past 2-3 months, nenek's stays at the hospital became a norm. She was constantly warded for her weak heart/ pneumonia/ asthma and various other conditions. I guess after the 4 - 5th time in the hospital, i always assumed nenek would hv gotten better. She was barely out of the hospital for 3 days before they warded her again.

Lil' did i know it would've bn the last time.

I was driving to Subang wit fendi when Mama called me, crying, telling me abt nenek's passing. How did i feel masa tu?

.... dazed. N numb. Just numb.

Since mama wasnt in the condition to talk, i told her i'd call along and adik who ere down in JB, and shasha who was at home. Told them of the news and sent fendi back and rushed my way back to Putrajaya to join mama n abah to head off to HKL, where nenek was. I drove. Abah sat quietly in front with me. Mama sat in the back. I heard her crying. Mama rarely cried. But me and Abah just let her grieve.

We buried her after Zuhur yesterday. Initially it was bright and sunny, but after we laid her down and covered her grave, it started to drizzle and later pour. We didnt mind the rain, although some of us got soaked.

....

Im still numb. Not so much out of grief. More out of shock. N seeing Mama grieving worries me. N makes me sad. The last time i saw her grieving this bad was during Arwah Atuk's demise back in '87. She's on compassionate leave for 3 days. Im back in the office. Worn out, tired and definitely with d flu.

... i guess in some way, im just thankful that nenek passed away during ramadhan. A good month. Despite the family disputes which runs thru the family, everyone came thru. It was nice to see everyone together for once, rallying against each other. Seeing Mama and her siblings support each other thru their loss.

Me and my sibs just merely watched. Were we sad? Yes. Anything that hurts the family, hurts us. More so seeing that Mama was grieving. Despite our disagreements with nenek, but in a way we all loved and was thankful to her for Mama. Raya this year will definitely be hard on Mama. Losing ur mum 1 week before Raya. *sigh*

Nenek. My siblings emotions to her hv always bn mixed. But it doesnt remove the fact that her blood runs through ours, and blood does carry a *lot* of weightage. Despite family conflicts, i do remember *some* good times. When we were small, nenek used to give us money to buy those 10sen ice creams. Whenever there was a flood at her place, she kept a watchful eye on us, while we were playing 'dayung-dayung sampan' on the front porch, while she was bailing water out of the house.

I remember her cili solok and ikan sumbat cili. No one makes them as delicious as she did. There were *some* good memories. Maybe we just forgot them when it became tainted wit the bad ones. But, im still thankful to her. If she wasnt who she was, we wouldnt hv had Mama.

... which to me, speaks loads of her as a person, mother and grandmother.

Che Siti binti Abdul Ghani
1932 - 2006

Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat...
Al-Fatihah...