Aiyo, aiyo.. Kena marah dgn Cik Zyrin kite sbb tak hapdet bloggie. =p

Sorrie babes. My life really is a total motion of chaos these days. Nak update pun dunno where or how to start. Tralalala...

Okie. My sumwat long leave of abscene *is dat how u spell it?* has no relation watsoever to another drama unfolding in my life. More like.. lack offit. I think. Heh... Probably coz my thought are less crazy and random compared to before.

Maybe it's a sign of maturity? Or prolly just the fact dat im getting freaking old. (Y_Y)

Anyway, hv bn kinda bz these days wit stuff. Bz surveying wedding stuff. Nope, not for me. For Farah.

Yup, my bestie's getting engaged and married this year. The engagements after Raya and the wedding's on Christmas. Im torn btwn being super-excited for her and super-sad.

Reason? As always, fear that things around me will change but im prettie much static frm dulu sampai sekarang. Like the time i got when Deli got married. Cuma this time it's like my best friend for 10 years. And she's a girl. Which is like totally different. Heh?

Okie, like *wut* has that got to do wit anything??

I've always known for a fact that Farah will be getting married sooner or later. She's just one of those people u *knw* will end up getting married. Coz she's like the nicest persons around that i knw of. I guess i've never actually gave it much serious thought that the day has come.

Come on folks. As much as u guys say it, friendship when one gets married does nd a bit of adjusting to. Dulu, it was just me, her and him on the sideline. Now it's like him, her but im on the sideline now. =/

Hmm...

Okie-okie. Hahaha, i *am* happie for her. I like knowing that my friend will be loved and cherished till the day she dies *okie, typing that made me get all nauseous*. It's just that clingy part of me that's going on overdrive here. =p

So anyway, Farah's getting married. She's told me to become her pengapit. I'll be wearing brown *THANK GOD!*, instead of the initial peach she was talking abt.

Me? Wearing peach? Better spray me wit some green, wrap me in bubble wrap and ship me off to a Gigantic Fruit Competition.

N yes, she's prettie much up to her head in wedding preps. I was supposed to help out more with her, but with her being in KL, me in Putrajaya, it's hard. N my constant nagging and reminding her abt this and that aint calming her nerves much, i guess. Hahaha... sorrie babes. U knw how much im a prefectionist and cerewet over some things. Wedding preps are one of them. (^o^)

So yeap. Here's another few weeks of bullying my best friend before she's officially someone's other half, and before that someone can officially whack me on the head for bullying her. Hehehe...

Collapsible marriage comes to mind...

Blasted server... typed out a whole entry and it swallowed it up. N im *not* gonna type it all out again.

Freakingly... *takes a long breath*

..... *breathes out*

Kesabaran itu separuh dari iman. But being hungry and angry aint a good combination. Huwarrghhh... Y_Y

MrSUB has done it again.

He minuted to me a letter requesting my attendance at a JPA meeting at 5.20pm.

Note: During Ramadhan, everyone's left by 5pm.

So, okie. Me, being d idiot that i am, i didnt read d friggin' letter until i realised that the info that i need to bring wit me for tomorrow's 9am meeting, has no relation watsoever to my job scope. By thn it was too late.

Im in Unit PK. The letter's supposed to be handled by those in Unit PO. I hv NO friggin' idea wat PO's abt larrrrrrrrrr. Hadeih... tell me abt matrix system. By thn, everyone *including dear MrSUB* has left. Apparently im d only one punching out at 5.30pm at d office.

So here's wat im gonna do.

Option 1:
Attend the meeting and present watever info i can gather by 9am tomorrow, which is basically nuts, n brace myself for sarcastic comments frm d JPA folks regarding my Ministry's tendencies to send in the *wrong* people for their meetings.

Which happens quite often these days...

Option 2:
Come to the office tomorrow and get the folks in PO to attend the meeting eventhough it's damn short notice. Hello! Like i could prepare anything even if i went for it lar kan.

So... maybe i'll opt for Option 2. But maybe i'll just go and let d JPA folks find out that the ineptness level here. *sigh*

Either ways, it's not good for me. N like i need another reason to get all foul abt MrSUB's matrix system thingy. Bengong....

Long time no update. Sorry.

Puasa has bn making me xtra lazy and sleepy. Blogging takes up too much effort and thought that i dont even bother that much these days. Prolly nearing towards Raya, maybe i'll be enthusiastic abt blogging. But for now, these are my updates:

1. Hv yet to lose weight during Ramadhan. The scale has bn reading a steady number for the past 3 weeks. Bugger.
2. Intentionally hit a parked car at my office parking. Something connected to road rage and idiots who park diagonally and block everyone's path including my parking space. N nope, no scratches on my car, but there managed to get some paint off the idiot's car. Tralalala...
3. Initially felt satisfaction, thn after owh, 3 hours later, felt ridden with guilt coz by doing #2, i put Maddie at risk. Thnk god that she's okay.
4. Had my first buka puasa alone yesterday. Mama n Abah had a dinner function sumwhere and i decided to eat alone. At home. In front of the TV. Eating KFC. Sad.
5. Am pissed off with an idiot who doesnt know his own mind. Sez one thing one minute n then the next sez another. Babe, either way how u feel abt me, the word is 'no'.

So that's it folks. Not really an update huh? Takper lah. Another time perhaps. Daa!!

...

"Nani, rasa tak mcm ada sesuatu btwn us. Im x sure wat it is, bt i feel something n i was wondering whether u felt it too"

N i just lay there beside him, my head turned away, feigning sleep. Not sure of how to answer, and even not sure of what i felt. I felt him stroking my hair, pushing away strands off my face, i guess, trying to see whether was i really sleeping or did i hear his words.

I heard him. Like i always do.

Our relationship was not, as others would say, a platonic relationship btwn friends. It was more, yet never bordered over to anything romantical. He stayed over once in a while but it never went further thn the occasional hugs, even when in bed. Once in a while, he would make insinuations abt taking the next step, but i always held back. I didnt want to lose a friend. Not him. So it became a policy. Keeping things 'clean', guaranteed that we would always stay friends. It was something we both agreed on, although sometimes it was hard to keep it so.

Eyes still closed, i then heard him heave a heavy sigh, as though he'll let it rest for tonite, but with his hands still stroking my hair, i felt him place a light kiss on the back of my neck. And i was hit with a rush of emotions. Happiness, peace and pain...

That's when i knew maybe this time, it'll be alright.

I opened my eyes, and turned my head towards him. With eyes too knowingly and a small smile, he was looking down at me. He knew. Closing my eyes, overcome with the knowledge of risking my heart again, i let him gather me into his arms, and there we lay for the whole night.

My head pressed against his chest. His arms stroking my back. Me, listening and being soothed by the faint heartbeats of the man who finally broke down my barriers.

... and you want to know wat happened next??

I BLOODY HELL WOKE UP!! ^#(&^&#$!+@(#&%!?!!!

It was *all* just a freaking dream. I stayed lying down for a good 5 minutes swearing silently abt how inhumane and cruel deams could be. Just when things were going good lar kan, i had to wake up. Why laar couldn't i hv stayed asleep for another 15 minutes or so. I didnt even get his name, for god's heaven sake!

Demmit.. it definitely spoilt my whole day.

That's proves my point that perfect happy endings are all dreams and are never true. Im was just too densed to realise it 5 minutes into my dream.

Although there was something slightly familiar abt the guy. He reminded me of someone. Hrmm... i just cant place who.

*sigh*

That's it, folks. The love story of my life. N it's all a dream. Freakingly stoopid, rite??

I thot so too.

*golek-golek-golek-golek*

Im *so* frekking tired, y'all. Am feeling as though i pulled a 3-tonne truck and im doing everything i can to stop myself frm dragging my feet across the floor.

Kalau tak, abih la rosak kasut tinggi gue. Huhuhu.. Xp

Anyway, will be breaking fast at Pizza Hut wit Mama malam nih. Abah ada function at Yayasan, so im left wit Mama. Kesian mama asyik kena kejar balik rumah masak, so i told her to take a breather and malam ni just buka puasa kat luar. Food for sahur, we'll just cook later mlm nih, better yet, just tapau frm anywhere.

...

My mom is really a SuperMom, u knw. She's a working mom, does most of the chores.. well, in short, EVERYTHING. Hahaha. She cooks, cleans, washes and raised 4 kids *in coalition wit Abah. hehe*. N even wit us being grownup and everything, she still tends to our every whims and needs, even when we tell her she doesnt/ shouldnt have to.

I guess all mothers are like that.

Im amazed. Like seriously. Especially so during Ramadhan. She wakes up at 4 to prepare food for sahur and sleeps at 11pm *maybe later* everynite after completing most of her housework. I help out wherever i can, but lemme tell u, my mom when she does stuff, she goes woosh-woosh-woosh... n im like 'wut..?'.

She's like, seriously efficient. Super-duper. There was one day where i tried following her schedule, just to see whether i could actually cope with wat she does everyday. One word.

Pathetic. In spite that i didnt do *everything* that she does daily, i still went to bed that nite feeling totally wasted. N till today i look at my mom and im in awe. Seriously. I go 'aahhh..', everytime i look at her going abt her chores.

She cooks, washes, cleans, mops, irons, folds, lift up furniture/ boxes around the house n sometimes she even does things for her very grown-up children. N everytime she does, i go 'aahhh... mama takyah la kemas brg nani, nanti nani kemas sendiri'.

N she'll go, 'tunggu nani kemas, lambat sgt, mama kemaskan. sepah je mama tengok'.

I go, 'tau. tapi mama kemas, nani sepahkan balik, sure mama tensen kaaannn. hehehe'.

N then we'll hv my mum rattling off, 'kalau mcm tuh, cuba la jgn sepah2 brg nani dah. bla, bla, bla...'

N i'll just grin stoopidly and innocently back at her.

Hadeih... mcm mana la orang tak kata aku ni anak mama. XD

But seriously, back to SuperMom, us siblings, we've always bn at wonders how our mother actually did all that she did back when we were growing up.

Wit Along and Adik going in and out of the hospitals *owh, i think i knw how. she got me to teman them at the hospitals. =\*

Shasha being the 'monkey' she is, all over the place and always up to some mischief *i distinctly remember her jumping into a duck pond once during autumn. haha*

Shasha and Adik always fighting since Adik was a baby until now.

Me?? I dont remember me much. Owh yes, wit me getting myself lost now and then and making mama grow even more grey hairs on her. =p

Hahaha. Mama dealt with everything in her own stride. Yes, i argued wit her. We all did. Being as headstrong that we were, but at the age we are now *im not too sure abt Shasha tho*, we dont argue wit her much. Once in a while tho.

These days, we tend to let Mama get away wit most things that she wants to do. Maybe we do spoil her sometimes, but who in their right mind wouldnt spoil their mum lar?! I mean, after all that she's bn thru for us?

I mean, we're not d easiest bunch of kids to have lar kan. But she did. N Abah too *lets not forget me dear old dad lar kan*.

So here's to Mama. My dearest Mum, who constantly amazes me with her strength and will, and who will unquestioningly sacrifice everything she has for her family.

Mama, i love u. ;p

I hv this *one* fear. One thing dat scares me the most out of everything else in this world. The mere thought of it, feels me wit dis gut-wrenching ache that i wish to never feel, but someday i knw i will.

I constantly live in fear of losing the people i love most. Even the idea of it scares me n automatically tears well up.

They say life and death is at God's hands. I knw that. N i accept that everyone will sooner or later die. Everything is in a cycle. Birth, death. But that still hasnt lessened the fear of loss.

I remember when the idea of losing my family first scared me *so* much. I was sitting alone, cross-legged on my parents bed, staring at a carving bearing His name. N i remembered crying. Crying and crying till i didnt even knw whther i could hv stopped or not. But i did, thankfully.

Being 7yrs and learning to understand the concept of death scared the bejeezus out of me. N until now, it still does.

Ive never bn fearful of myself dying. Ive always accepted that one day, my life will slip away. But the thought of losing someone i love, even when its inevitable, scares me *so* much, that in a way, that fear has somehow influenced me in a way to be who i am today. I understand now why im always worrying abt my loved ones. Why im over-protective and constantly pampering people i care for.

When Mak Ros died, i had a glimpse of how much pain and ache i'd feel when someone i particularly loved died. Yes, i did slip into depression for a while, n it took me some time to work my way out of the hellhole i slipped into, but some other issues were also playing during that time. But till today, the pain is still there. Prolly coz i loved her a lot.

Maybe thats why *that* same fear is emphasized over the years since her death. Im constantly fighting my fear of losing my family. My parents. My siblings. I try to imagine life without them, n all i get is... emptiness.

That'll explain why im super-concious abt Mama's health and constantly nagging her *yess, i admit it. i nag my mum* to watch wat she eats. Even last week, when Mama told me she fell down n injured her foot, i went on full alert asking her whether was she okay, does she need to go to the clinic.

Over the years since Mak Ros's, ive bn constantly reminding myself to not worry so much. God has pre-written our lives, and wats important is for us to live our lives to the full, and appreciate those close to us. To not live in fear and to take each day as it comes. To show how much they mean to us before its too late.

Ive previously made silent prayers that God take my life before He takes those close to me. But i now realise thats just plain selfish. For i understand the pain of being left behind, n no, i would subject them to that pain.

I know id just have to deal with my fear as it comes. Its not easy though. Especially when u're lying alone in the dark and ur mind works against u. Hehehe, manic huh?

*sigh*

.. wierd huh. I guess everyone has d same fear as me, yet i wonder why issit i sometimes let that fear overwhelm me. Prolly coz i am such a worrier. Maybe coz im a drama queen or maybe coz emotions are blown out of porportions when it comes down to me. Im not sure.

I just wished i didnt feel things *so* strong. Being numb and all blurred out kinda lessens the impact of my emotions.

But pray tell me, how will i numb out the pain when i actually lose someone i love?

Im *so* bored. Like seriously. My eyes are watering up frm pure boredom.

Someone, pls help this poor soul. =p

I really need to revamp this blog of mine. But like everytime i test a template out, something's just not right. N i go back to sticking wit this one. Which kinda gloomy, i might add. Hehe.

*yawn*

Okie, that was seriously the 5th time i yawned in the past 5 minutes. N i still feel like another few more yawns coming. Hadeih... *yawn*...

I think i just need some snoozers, thn i'll be okay. Tapi mana nak snooze weih?! The office and my workspace aint actually the most idealistic place to get a shuteye. But im seriously abt to nod off.

Starting to see doubles of everything aint a good sign. I think i need a walk. Later, folks!