Did it. Like finally. Moved to a new blog provider. Nothing too flashy. Still dabbling here n there, trying to customize my template. Which i *so* suck at. Seriously in need of a HTML tutor.

So, folks. If u want my new blog site, juts send a holler at me, n i'll freely enough give it to you.

Owh, why the move u ask? Erm, ntah la. Just trying a new change of scenery. Us gemini's get bored wit the same old routines, you see. Eheh... So anyways, i'll prolly still post here once in a while. But it's over *there* that i'll a permanent appearance in.

Ciao, folks! Don't miss me much. If you do, thn.. ermm, u knw where to get me. Eheh.

Was feeling particularly upset this afternoon, working to keep my head off stuff that otherwise are prettie petty, but heyy... on a gemini and espeically this mind of mine, everything's exaggerated. So yeah... minding my own business, humming this tune when i suddenly stopped dead in my tracks and thought..

... 'what the h*ell am i humming that song for ehh?'.

Then i went thinking again, prolly the reason why that particular song jumped to mind, coz was heck... it was exactly how i felt at *dat* particular time and hey, singing it in a way made me feel a *bit* better. Though technically it was a sad song to begin with, but nvr mind, belting sad songs helps me deal wit stuff better than a shrink would ever be able to do in 10 sessions.

So yeap.

N now here i am. Putting *dat* particular song on replay along wit Kenangan Terindah and singing to my heart's galore. Never mind that i might cause heavy rain. Which i dont really mind anymore. Rain's growing on me, for some reason.

Realised it a few days back when i was at Bt Caves home. Sitting crosslegged on the front porch with Tiger curled up in my lap and watched while rain pelted the road in front of me. Was kinda calming in a stoopid way, to see rain fall like that. I had half the mind to get up and just stand right there in the middle of everything but as i didnt wish to spend the remainder of my hols in bed, i just.. sat there n enjoyed the rain.

... mcm bodo aje kan?

Ntah la. Maybe im just feeling the blues for a bit. Blame it on the fact that i hv dreams where people frm my past *and present* are coming to me saying and doing stoopid things that i wished were true, but arent. N never will be.

Aiyohh...

.. i shud prolly put some Pussycat Dolls on.

Oiii.. enough wit utterly depressed posts abt my dreams lar!! Even im getting frekking annoyed wit all the gloom im projecting. Haiyohh.. but why larrr do i feel so horrid inside.

... shud prolly hit the clubs tonite. Nd a pick-me-up. *sigh* Tp malasnya, adoiiii...

Ciao, peepos!!

Had one of them again. Them dreams. Demmit...

Woke up feeling *so* utterly horrid, it took all my willpower to just get up frm bed. N this time, the dream involved my darn ex. Gawd, i seriously nd a distraction.

Y issit that my dreams are getting even more n more horrid as days goes by? Oh sure, they're not causing me any physical harm or watnot and technically they're not of any gruesome nor freaky nature that invloves blood galore. They're actually prettie pleasing dreams to have, but the fact remains is that... none of them are true and maybe deep down i wished they were.

That makes them utterly horrid dreams to me. Not thinking abt stuff helps me deal with reality a whole lot better plus it keeps me happy. Dreams such as these... lets just say dont help me and my troubled mind much.

...

On another note, wierd huh how much one's obsession over another person makes u think the most *outrageous* things?

For one, how incredibly gorgeous u find their hands are when u're both in his car, he's driving, u're the passenger and he's just.. driving.

Another, how much u find his voice to be soothing and music to ur ears when he sings along to the same song u're singing to, till u stop singing just to hear his voice.

N then, just looking at him somehow causes multiple reactions to ur emotions, n u're feeling calm, happiness, anger, suffocation and total hatred all at the same time.

Hmm... total obession, you see.

Maybe it's a gemini thing. How much im attracted to something totally *not* suited for me. How much the wrong thing sounds *so* right for once. On why the one thing i can *not* have is the one thing i want most. Hmm...

... blame it on my rebellious streak.

*sigh* This obsession is... one more thing i nd to work on. Like definitely. Proves to show my heart and mind dont work in line wit each other. Nd to work on that. Eheh...

.. but damn, he's sure making it hard for me. Demmit.

Happie Raya Everyone!!!

Boleh? Lepas seminggu raya baru nak wish. Ehek. Well, lets just blame it on the fact that Bt Caves home Streamyx phone line has bn temporarily out of service since puasa, n till now has yet to be repaired. TM people are taking their time fizing it. Being Raya n all. So that explains my hiatus since my Raya hols.

Sorrie ekk, peeps.

So, updates. Lets to this in sections, aite?

Section 1: Raya

Raya this year was different frm that of last. Prolly coz Nenek just passed away a week b4 Raya, so things were definitely different this year. Mama felt the difference the most, i guess, being Nenek was her mum. N as deathalways does, it brought the whole lot of Mama's family a whole lot closer. Everyone rallied together. Disputes were forgotten this year. Everyone just focused on the fact that with Nenek gone, they've only got each other now. N wit that in mind, my family even rallied even stronger as ever together in wake seeing how much Mama was affected by Nenek's passing.

Mama contracted the flu and high fever the day Nenek passed away, n came Raya it was still going on strong. My whole family got it, it seems. Even me. But we still ploughed thru Raya, trying to make it as normal as it could be. It was okay. Raya had this poignant atmosphere around it. Made me thankful that my family, despite being sick and all, we were still together n holding strong.

Achik's living wit us now. Arwah Nenek, before this always told my mum to take Achik into the family inc ase anything happens to her. We've always known the day would come. Mind u, we were always willing and happie to take her in. Us siblings always had a soft spot for Achik ever since the Vienna days when she stayed with us there and helped Mama take care of us. N im happie to see that with us, Achik's happie and at more ease. I guess, just talking and making her feel apart of the family does wonders for a 40plus single woman who was born wit certain disabilites.

Owh, Abah FINALLY put on some Raya lights this year. Ahahaha. After like wat? 20 years of bugging him to put on some lights around the house, this year we kinda gave up asking him, n he out of the blue asked us whether nak pasang lampu or not. Boleh?! Ahahaha..

So we did. Nope. Not around the house. More like on our durian tree *rolls around laughing*. Prettie cute, mind u. During christmas, people hv christmas tree rite? My family has a Durian Tree all covered wit lites. But it grows on u, definitely. Haha.

So yeap, Raya was fine. New traditions. New customs. Things wont be the same ever. But i guess u just gotta make the best of things while it lasts.

Section 2: Farah's Engagement

... where should i start here ehh? Hmm, okay. So, Farah finally got engaged to Azhar this last Saturday. How wassit? Hrm, ok, considering that i spent it wit a high fever and cold, it turned out fine. Highlight? Prolly the part where it came down to Farah's makeup session.

You see, farah didnt call a professional to come do it for her. Nope, not even an amateur. She initially got Ina (her sis) to do it for her. Farah's idea of makeup is powder, some lipbalm and on special occasions, some blusher to go. Yup, people. Just. That.

So yeap. Ina was kinda in a rush. Yar la kan, wit all the running around getting this n that, u cant blame her. So she got someone else to do it. Guess who? ME! Like freakking me. Like hello? Yes, I can put on makeup. On me. Only. Now u're asking me to put it on ANOTHER person. On their ENGAGEMENT summore.

Why dun u just draw a sentence on her forehead in lipstick saying 'CLOWN ALERT'. Ishh...

But i went, okay. I had a fever, yes. A flu too. But okay. It was desperate times. So i got Farah to sit down and started work. No foundation? Nvr mind, we'll just use the 2-way compact she had.

*Owh, did i say? We only had like the MINIMAL makeup supplies, and i nvr thought to bring my comprehensive supplies frm home?*

Okay. Base covered. No concealer, no moisturiser. Boleh? Went on for the blusher. Since i knew for engagements watsoever, so kinda shud do some shadowing rite? Didnt hv any bronzing powder to do so. Nope. Farah had light link for blusher, so yeap... had to make do wit that. Left the lips for last, i went for the eyes.

Note: do u know how DIFFICULT it is to put on eye makeup for another person?

This was where i started saying to myself, 'wat did i get myself into? if farah ends up looking like a clown, Azhar's *so* gonna kill me. nope, scratch that. AuntieRos's *so* gonna kill n cincang me'.

Thank God, KakSue (Farah's sis-in-law) decided to come in at *dat* moment n told me her sis cud do it for farah, if she wanted to. I told her *nope, nearly screamed in my flu-influenced voice*, 'KNP TAK CKP AWAL2?! Mana dia?? Cepat panggil'. Ehehehe. Do NOT mess wit me when im sick and wit a voice that'll put Shakira to shame.

So yeap. Farah's makeup was salvage. No help frm moi, mind u. Ahahahahaha. Hadoi...

N the rest of her engagement went smoothly. Her wedding's to be on 10th Feb '07. Im the bridesmaid. Yeap, that'll be a prettie sight. Considering that ive actually ballooned even more now, wud turn out *very* nice in her wedding pics nanti. Huwaaaaa...

Note to self: DIET LA WOIIIIIII. N unfreeze that gym account. I've *so* gotta to loose weight by Feb.

Section 3: Dreams

Okay people. Raya and fevers does wierd things to ur head. Erm, scratch that. To ur dreams.

Ever since bulan puasa Ive bn hving the weirdest dreams. Owh, they're nice dreams, mind u. But wierd. N stressful sometimes. It wouldnt hv bn stressful if half of them were real but noooooo... NONE of them were real at *all*, so i usually woke up wishing i wish still asleep or wishing that it was all true.

N no, i will *not* go into details here. They're all too.. ermm... well, they disturb me too much. N no, they're not as scenes u would find in those x-rated movies. I dont do porn, even in my dreams. But still... i'd wake up feeling all lonely and depressed, which is never a good thing coz heck.. i've finally run out of those orange pills that i used to take and am not bothered enough to go get summore frm the doctors. Ishh...

So yeap, hopefully i'll stop hving the dreams. As content that i feel during my dreams, it's the after feel i hate. U knw, like the hangovers u'd get after a hard night of partying. Yeah... the same. Worse even. So yeap...

*sigh*

Section 4: Bila lagi..??

I hate this question. Now that Farah's gotten herself engaged, my group of uni friends are coming to me n asking when will it be my turn.

NewsFlash: Do u see a bf in tow? No kan? Thn stop asking.

Im done talking abt this.

Section 5: What do i think?

Someone asked me this when they told me abt getting invloved with a married man. Nope, im not gonna say who. But yeah... my two cents worth.

.... *thinks of the right words*

It depends entirely on how much u're willing to risk hurting either urself or others when u get urself involved in the messy situation wit a married person. Yes, u might hv finally hv found ur better half in another person, who by chance has already bn taken, but unless u're willing to hurt his other half in ur quest to be happie, thn by all means...  if it makes u happy.

Is it justified? If u say it is, thn okay, i'll take ur word for it. Nothing matters more to me thn ur happiness. Yes, i might lay out the terms to u, maggots and all, but if u still insist on persuing it, thn im behind u all the way. You know that, right?

Dont kill me for saying this, but polygamy is not something i'd recommend to everyone. Only a few and even then, it's done with careful reminding and not witout many warnings. Coz i hv seen a *few* polygamic marriages that hv worked out, but even then, some pain will be involved.

Im not condoning it. Hell, if my husband was to marry another, i'd prolly strike a war and bomb his entire being into oblivion *hahaha*, but if it was justified and not just to satisfy nafsu dia semata2, thn maybe, MAYBE... for a child, i would.

You see.. eventhough Islam allows for polygamy, there are guidlines to it, but men these days only strut around saying Islam allows polygamy but never delves to understand and implement the guidlines and rules that allows u to actually 'mengamalkannya'. I guess people are like that. Use only excerpts that conveniences them but closes their eyes over other issues that are more important.

It hurts, u knw. To knw ur husband wants to marry another. As though u're not enough. N even if u're the other person, there will always be the possibility that he would do the same thing to u in the future, as wat he did to her.

It's all subjective to whoever u ask this question to, u see. Different people i hv different views abt polygamy. If u ask a young single woman, she might say no to polygamy. Same goes for those who are married.

But for those who are aged by years and experience... maybe they might hv the same views as i have. I might be 28, but trust me, my edges are rounded and scathed enough by too much ongoings in my life that changes how u look at things.. and people.

Never say never, i say. But back to wat i was saying above... wat i think abt getting myself invloved wit a married man?

Maybe. If he made me happy and if i knew he was capable and responsible enough to undertake all the trouble and heartache that ensues... thn maybe i would.

But that's just me.

So.. that's it folks. Mind's a bit haggered frm typing too much. Heck.. i spent a good hour plus typing this out. Now im bored. Ahahahaha... so anyways, hv fun, n maybe tomorrow i'll cut my hols short n come in for work. Ciao!!!

Everyone's left for Raya hols. Im still stuck here.

Mama and Abah hv already left for Bt Caves home. Im officially d only one left in Putrajaya. Even Along and Shasha are back home. God, i sound *so* pathetic.

Funnily enough, i dun seem quite to be in a rush to head off home. Prolly coz i knw my hols will start sooner or later. Prolly coz i hv this feeling dat something's wrong, yet im not able to put my finger on it. Yet.

Anyway, i've had another *nice* dream. Which basically meant i woke up rather, erm.. tensed coz i knew it wasnt reality, but just a dream. Ahahaha.. U knw those dreams where u wished it were true, but deep down u know it'll never come true. Yeah.. i hate those dreams. I'd wake up longing for something not within my grasp.

N that sucks BIG time.

I hate it, i hate it, i hate it.... God, i nd a drink.

U prolly think, eh, this girl puasa or not. Ckp main lepas aje. News flash. Aku tgh tak boleh puasa. Ahahahahaha *evil laugh* So i can prettie much do anything i want skrang nih. Although running around naked is not one of them. N never will be.

I shall not be the source of lust for *anyone*. Ehem..

Ahahahahaha... okie, people. im just being super mad. Im just irked that my head and heart do not agree wit each other. Ika will kill me for sure, but i hv those faint echos of feelings i had for someone surface again.

Stomp, stomp, stomp.. go, go away. Ishh..

Its sickening. To the point of me feeling as though running thru a brick wall wont do me much good. Owh, never mind d fact that my source of lust looks super-duper-delicious these days. Urghhh.. AND he wore the same pants and shirt that distracts me *so* frekking much. Arrghhhh...

N how the *hell* am i supposed to shove watever im feeling away when he stands barely 2 inches away frm me that i can smell his perfume that he knws i think smells sexy??

N damn he has gorgeous hands.

He's just taunting me, u knw. I knw it. Deep down, he knws i hv something of the hots for him, n he's pushing me as far as he thinks i can go. No, i wont snap, but i'll definitely go crazy lar kan. But like that's something new.

*sigh*

Shit, it looks like rain. Better head home n pack for Raya.

Double shite.. it's duit raye season. Im *so* broke.

I never learn, do i.

Itu la. My gut instincts told me just to go for a color treatment. But noooooo... i had to go for a curling session. Like my previous major hair disaster didnt happen lar kan.

Padan muka. Ahahahahahahaha.. *gelak orang dah gila*

Now i feel like i wanna go straighten it back again. Regardless that people tell me i look better wit curled hair rather thn straight, this time definitely proves that im better off wit straight thn curled.

1. My hair ALWAYS goes extra dry and messy after a curl job/ hair treatment.
2. For a person who constantly obsesses abt her hair, no. 1 aint a good thing to have.
3. I prefer waves thn curls anyway
4. But my hair was too short to have waves but too long to not do *anything* abt it.
5. Serves me right for listening to my big sis who's blessed wit good hair genes compared to me who has dis big mess that i call hair.
6. This year im definitely *not* gonna go raya'ing
7. I see myself cutting my hair super short soon.
8. But i actually do like my curly hair once it tames down a bit and the dry ends are chopped off. It grows on me.
9. Tp nak tunggu dia tame down a bit tuh yg tak larat woooiiii...
10. Prolly it's a sign that i shud just start wearing the tudung now. Ishh...

My sis tells me that im just super vain and obsessive when it comes to my hair. That it's actually okie, though a bit dry. That i actually look better with curls thn straight. Maybe i do. But i just cant handle the 10 minutes daily just on my hair. I put my make up on in less time thn that. Ishhh...

The salonist told me that me that my hair's just super dry coz ive had too many treatments on it. Yeah, i knw. But im just the kinda person who gets bored of one style for long.

A gemini, remember?

But there's no point in wishing wat has bn done, right? Plough on straight ahead with this giant mane of mine and hope for the best. Hopefully by one month, it'll settle down a bit and i can start to call it my hair again. Hrmm...

Now it just looks as though my head's bn thru some major tumbling in the washing machine + dryer and had a turbo engine jet dry it. Ishh...

Yepp... it's dat bad. So, no imran. Im *not* gonna post any pics here nor send *any* to u nor elly coz i look like a total psiko.

It shud be a lesson well learnt, but why in the world do i feel as though im gonna have many more of these in the future?? Ahahahahaha...

Im tired. So, so tired.

So tired, that i cant walk in one straight line. It's all wiggles and stumbles for me.

I wished i was in bed asleep.

I wished that i could get some shut-eye and just rest.

I want to go home. I want to rest.

I just want to curl up in bed and sleep till my drool dries up.

... yuck.

Im just tired, y'all. N being tired makes my head think of people not worth thinking.

Im feeling the wee, stoopid pangs of missing him.

Demmit, y cant someone just shoot me before i let myself fall into the pits. Again.

I'm just tired. Some sleep later might help me get over this.

I just want to sleep.

*yawn*

...

Who would have known.. that when i woke up on Monday morning, things were going to get so blurred out come midnite...

.. nenek passed away, you see. 11pm on Monday.

I'm still in a daze and everything seems a bit surreal to me. Like im watching the turn of events frm the outside. I guess death, regardless as to whether u were close or not, always affects u in some way.

.. but maybe it's just a reflection of seeing mama grieving. I've rarely seen her grieve, but its understandable. Nenek was after all mama's mum, despite the many conflicts.

Anyway, where shall i start?

.. Mama told me on Monday afternoon that nenek's condition was turning for the worse. I didnt imagine it was *dat* bad. You see, for the past 2-3 months, nenek's stays at the hospital became a norm. She was constantly warded for her weak heart/ pneumonia/ asthma and various other conditions. I guess after the 4 - 5th time in the hospital, i always assumed nenek would hv gotten better. She was barely out of the hospital for 3 days before they warded her again.

Lil' did i know it would've bn the last time.

I was driving to Subang wit fendi when Mama called me, crying, telling me abt nenek's passing. How did i feel masa tu?

.... dazed. N numb. Just numb.

Since mama wasnt in the condition to talk, i told her i'd call along and adik who ere down in JB, and shasha who was at home. Told them of the news and sent fendi back and rushed my way back to Putrajaya to join mama n abah to head off to HKL, where nenek was. I drove. Abah sat quietly in front with me. Mama sat in the back. I heard her crying. Mama rarely cried. But me and Abah just let her grieve.

We buried her after Zuhur yesterday. Initially it was bright and sunny, but after we laid her down and covered her grave, it started to drizzle and later pour. We didnt mind the rain, although some of us got soaked.

....

Im still numb. Not so much out of grief. More out of shock. N seeing Mama grieving worries me. N makes me sad. The last time i saw her grieving this bad was during Arwah Atuk's demise back in '87. She's on compassionate leave for 3 days. Im back in the office. Worn out, tired and definitely with d flu.

... i guess in some way, im just thankful that nenek passed away during ramadhan. A good month. Despite the family disputes which runs thru the family, everyone came thru. It was nice to see everyone together for once, rallying against each other. Seeing Mama and her siblings support each other thru their loss.

Me and my sibs just merely watched. Were we sad? Yes. Anything that hurts the family, hurts us. More so seeing that Mama was grieving. Despite our disagreements with nenek, but in a way we all loved and was thankful to her for Mama. Raya this year will definitely be hard on Mama. Losing ur mum 1 week before Raya. *sigh*

Nenek. My siblings emotions to her hv always bn mixed. But it doesnt remove the fact that her blood runs through ours, and blood does carry a *lot* of weightage. Despite family conflicts, i do remember *some* good times. When we were small, nenek used to give us money to buy those 10sen ice creams. Whenever there was a flood at her place, she kept a watchful eye on us, while we were playing 'dayung-dayung sampan' on the front porch, while she was bailing water out of the house.

I remember her cili solok and ikan sumbat cili. No one makes them as delicious as she did. There were *some* good memories. Maybe we just forgot them when it became tainted wit the bad ones. But, im still thankful to her. If she wasnt who she was, we wouldnt hv had Mama.

... which to me, speaks loads of her as a person, mother and grandmother.

Che Siti binti Abdul Ghani
1932 - 2006

Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat...
Al-Fatihah...